Here's a little Bill/Lee fanfic. Set towards the end of SAGN.
Thanks to Bamberiffic for an excellent Beta.
SAGN – Missing scene
Lee sat in his office, going through Dee’s personal effects. He was still struggling to come to terms with what had happened. The last time he had seen her, she was so happy, so full of life and only minutes later she had killed herself.
He had switched on the wireless to hear to his father’s speech, half-listening while he worked. He heard his father say something about how painful the past few days had been for all of them and he promised to find them all a new home.
Lee picked up a small pouch from one of the boxes and emptied its contents on the table: out fell metal jacks. He remembered Dee telling him that she used to play a game with these when she was a child. He picked up a picture of a very young Dee. Who knew that it would end like this for that little girl with the beaming smile? A stray tear made it’s way down his face.
In his mind, he could still see Dee, laughing and holding on to his arm as they walked through Galactica’s corridors last night. One minute she was with him and the next, gone.
How long he sat staring at the jacks and the photo he had no idea. He was shaken from his thoughts by the sound of his father’s voice.
He looked up, a little startled. “I came to see how you’re holding up, son.”
One look at him told Bill exactly how Lee was. From across the room he could see how broken he was, Bill knew his son: - he was going to protest that he was okay.
“How am I? I’m angry, confused and I want to know why she did it. I loved her, Dad and then she goes and kills herself. You know what makes it worse? I was hardly the doting husband and I have no right to feel this way.”
Slightly taken aback, Bill tried to reason, “Lee, whether you were separated or not she was still your wife.”
“I keep asking myself if I could have done something. She was with me last night; I should have noticed that something was wrong. I should have stopped her. I wish I had told her that I still loved her” Lee broke down, sobbing.
Bill crossed the room; the father in him aching to see Lee so upset. There was anger in Lee’s voice just now, but there was also hurt, so real that Bill could almost touch it.
“Lee, son. I am so sorry” Bill sat beside him and pulled him into his arms, wanting to shield him from the pain but knowing he was powerless to do so. Bill held him tight, crying silent tears of his own, for his son and also for Dee.
I won’t let him down, not again. He’s not going through this on his own, Bill silently vowed.
Lee let go of his father once his tears subsided, Bill kept one arm around him.
“Thank you” Lee’s voice was barely a whisper.
“What for? For doing what I should have done yesterday? I should have been there for you, in the morgue, and instead I was drunk. I’m sorry.”
Lee was silent for a few moments; he looked at Bill and slowly nodded.
“You know something, maybe in some way, I can understand why she did it.”
Lee’s last comment caught Bill off guard “Can you?”
“She’s not the only one whose ever thought about taking their life. Lee paused, watching his dad’s face, before continuing
“There was a time when I thought about ending it all.”
“When you ejected from the Blackbird.” Bill stated.
Lee was stunned. It never occurred to him that his father had realised the depth of his depression back then. They had never spoken about it.
“Yeah, It should have been the best thing that could have happened to the fleet – finding Pegasus and look how it turned out. You and the President planned to assassinate Admiral Cain. We were inches away from a shooting war with one of our own Battlestars. We should have been fighting the Cylons, not each other.”
“It just all got too much, I was drifting in space, there was a hole in my flight suit and it was the easiest thing in the world to just move my hand and let the air escape, knowing it would all be over soon.”
Lee swallowed hard. “I’m not saying that I agree with what she did, because I don’t. I’m just saying I know what it feels like to have your hope broken and to see death as the only way out. Even welcome it somehow.”
Bill nodded calmly, though inside his heart wrenched to hear how close he had come to losing his only living child. He had known back then something was wrong with Lee but only now did he realise the extent of his son’s despair.
He’d had a few close calls himself when he was a pilot and he had a pretty good idea of what Lee must have been going through.
Turning he pulled Lee back into his arms. “Thank you for telling me.”
He released Lee “I want to tell you something. Just because Dee isn’t here anymore doesn’t mean you will stop loving her. She’s always going to be a part of you.”
Lee raised a questioning eyebrow.
“Before you ask, yes I still love your mother, but if you repeat that to another living soul I will deny it.”
Lee managed a small smile at that. They sat in silence for a few moments.
“I really should get back to sorting out some of this stuff.” Lee gestured at the unopened boxes.
“Leave that for now. I can do it for you. You need to rest.”
“Dad, I’ve got a million things to do.”
“They’ll keep. Lee, you look like hell. I bet you didn’t get much sleep last night.”
Lee let out a choked laugh, he had tossed and turned for most of the night and in his father’s arms, he had felt drained. Bill had used his Command voice on Lee, the one that said he was not to be argued with.
Minutes later Lee was in his quarters with his father. Bill had spoken to Lee’s Quorum aide and told him that unless the entire Cylon fleet was about to attack – Lee was not to be disturbed.
“I’m a little bit big for you to be tucking me in.” Lee half joked.
“Perhaps. Get some sleep, I’ll be here if you need anything.”
Lee’s mind continued to spin with images and memories of Dee, but after a while tiredness and the comforting presence of his father allowed him at last to close his eyes.